dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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