This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
