i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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