Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
