Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
