just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We left an ass print on the piano.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
