I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
