How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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