Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
