Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
