I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
