Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Randomize
