Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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