I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
