So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
