Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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