I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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