i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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