I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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