didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
