A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
