so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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