I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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