I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
