She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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