I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
