you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
