You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
