Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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