Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
