end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
