4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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