made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
