His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My ass is underappreciated
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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