ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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