When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
