i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
