Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
