Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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