sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
God, I missed his penis.
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