I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
