I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
