I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
