We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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