Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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