can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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