Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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