Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
