this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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