That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
A bitchslap is in order.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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