you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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