gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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