I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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