a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
