So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
