I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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