i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
