I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
