wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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