I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
