when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
