Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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