Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
