My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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