I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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